Count first, then judge
"Too high" is a feeling. The number is more useful. Put your standards into the dating pool calculator and look at two things: how many people fit, and which single filter cuts the most.
- 1 in 10 or better: your standards aren't the problem. Meeting people is.
- 1 in 10 to 1 in 50: selective but workable. Expect most profiles not to fit.
- 1 in 50 to 1 in 200: demanding. One filter is probably doing most of the cutting.
- Rarer than 1 in 200: you won't meet them by chance. Either change how you search or change one filter.
The filters that cut the most
Height above average
About 15% of men are 6′0″ or taller. Asking for 5′10″ instead keeps more than twice as many. See the full height table.
A hard income floor
About 1 in 5 men earn $100k or more, and far fewer under 30. See income by age.
A narrow age range
Cutting a ten-year range to five halves the pool before anything else.
Being single at all
By the early thirties, more than half of people are married or living with a partner. Every other filter applies to that smaller group.
Which standards are worth keeping
Research on lasting relationships points again and again to the same things: shared values, wanting the same kind of life (kids, where to live), emotional stability and kindness. None of them show up in a height or salary filter. A good rule: keep the standards that predict how you'll live together, and loosen the ones that only predict how a profile looks.
When the number is small and you keep it anyway
Some people check the math and decide their standards are right for them. That's a fair choice. It just means swiping at random is the slowest way to find someone, and a targeted search, through people you trust or a private matchmaker for men, works better.
Questions people ask
How do I know if my standards are too high?
Count how many people actually meet them. If fewer than 1 in 200 people of your target age fit, you won't meet them by chance and dating will feel slow. That doesn't mean the standards are wrong, only that the search needs to be deliberate.
What is the 3-6-9 rule in dating?
An informal idea that relationships go through checkpoints around 3 months (the honeymoon fades), 6 months (first real conflicts) and 9 months (deciding on a future together). It's a rule of thumb, not research.
What is the 7-7-7 rule?
A couples habit: a date night every 7 days, a night away every 7 weeks, and a trip together every 7 months. It's about keeping time for each other, not about choosing a partner.
What is the 37% rule in dating?
It comes from the 'optimal stopping' problem in math. If you'll meet a known number of candidates, you spend the first 37% just learning what's out there, then choose the first one who beats everyone before. Real dating is messier, but the lesson holds: explore first, then commit.
Is it bad to have a checklist?
No. A short list of things that predict a good relationship (shared values, wanting the same life, kindness) is healthy. Long lists of physical and financial specs are what shrink the pool fastest.
Try it with your own numbers: female delusion calculator · male delusion calculator.